Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
