The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
