I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
