All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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