I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
