there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
