My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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