he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
