i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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