Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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