i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
