I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
