come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
