Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
