I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just high enough for therapy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
