my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm always down for nudity.
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