I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
