Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
