Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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