look no pants
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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