then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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