My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
