As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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