Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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