Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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