I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
