This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
