I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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