The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
