I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
