Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
