My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
