You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I miss vodka workout Fridays
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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