I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
