You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
