My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
