Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
