My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
