remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
