i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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