Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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