Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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