You smell like stripper and shame
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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