We're like a lot better than the average bears
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
