If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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