While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
