Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
