I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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