I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
