My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
