dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
